Friday, 25 March 2011

pouring my heart out

I feel so confused and lost right now, no one actually bothers to talk to me about it, I just want to talk to someone about everything! I've bottled up so much that I have no idea where to start, me and my dad are pretty close and he tried to talk to me because he notices that I'm not really being myself at home, I love both my parents to bits but its just some stuff I would rather to talk to about with friends rather than my parents no offense. So im just going to talk about everything on here, life, exams, coursework, mistakes, relationships, high school. EVERYTHING! of course im not going to be naming people but I am going to briefly outline them, but be warned I have a feeling this post is going to be very long. here it goes

school right now is so hectic, with exams coming but and coursework needs to be handed in I'm just really busy and stressed out. for some reason I can't seem to do anything right, for example english. I used to love it last year, it was fun, something I enjoyed but ever since mrs taylor came back she has made my life misreable. There is not one time that she will actually say well done. I know I sound childish and stupid but its so hard to please that women, I would have worked my butt of to do something and all she will say its not your best piece of work. Excuse me lets be honest for a second, you were on leave while having your third child in two years, you have not been here to help us, you have no idea how much other coursework and exams we have to worry about, how the hell do you know what my best piece of work is? Mr johns my last english teacher was amaazing, I used to love going into english it used to be the highlight of my day, he was so funny and nice and a really good media and english teacher, i don't care what others say about him, to me he was amazing! and even if I had not that that well in my work he would let me nicely, not like Mrs Taylor make me feel like shit all day. I have to hide my true feelings so that I don't upset people, otherwise Im just being moody. The only part of school I like right now is getting to spend time with my amazing friends, they're so funny and I am going to miss them all so much when we all part our ways. Im going to shut up about school because this post is getting really long.

When I think of some of the things over the last year or so, I feel so ashamed of myself. The way I treated people, just everything. I feel like I should punish myself for about 2978391237 years. I really want someone to shout at me and say that I have done something wrong, maybe that way I can get ride of this guilt. I don't really want to talk about it on here because I think its really personal to me, but lets just say that If i could turn back time I would. :'(

lmfao I really dont know what to say about this, nothing really ever happens in my 'love' life. I dont think I'm that certain type of girl that guys like, im not tall and not pretty, im not super skinny and I seriously couldn't care about some of the things girls care about. I listen to different type of music that not many guys find interesting, I don't wear tons of makeup. I'm just not what guys go for. I guess that its okay, i could say that I dont care but I do. That's why I hate it. Its really whats the word im looking for .... not sad but just meeeh when you see such happy couples, I am really happy for them but it just makes me feel like ' Oh im never going to have that.' this sounds stupid but its the fact that being in a relationship you can talk about everything! you have someone that tells you your beautiful even though your not, someone who you can spend valentines day with, go on dates, hang around with for no reason, talk to one the phone. I guess in all my other relationships I haven't really been happy, I mean I thought I was but I was hiding away and trying to be a different person, which is why I was in a relationship the person didn't know me, the real me. i sound so depressing and shit but thats okayy right?

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